Dear Nocketback,
I think I’m in love with my buddy’s girlfriend. I feel like an ass because he’s a good friend, we’ve known each other since grade school. I’m not exactly sure if she likes me back but every time I come around she always wants to talk and hang out, sometimes without my friend with us. What should I do? How can I get rid of these feelings? I like her more than any girl I’ve dated. Got any advice?
--My Best Friend’s Girlfriend

Dear MBFG,
Look, comrade, those are not feelings of love but of lust, humans have only lust-driven abilities—love was invented by Disney during WWII. I say if you like her, go for it. You’ll only regret it if you don’t. However, I must warn you, you’ll be tired of her soon enough, we all get bored. Nevertheless, here’s how you get it. 1. Invite your buddy for a “guy’s night out.” 2. Take him to a more questionable spot like Aldo’s or Rep’s. 3. Buy him several rounds of plastic-bottle tequila. Once he’s super drunk, have a female (or male, even better) rub up on him and what not. 4. Pull out that trusty camera phone and send those photos to her pronto. She’ll be so distraught, and you’ll look like a hero for highlighting his promiscuity, that she’ll inevitably jump in the sack with you to get back at him. Game. Set. Match.

Dear Nocketback,
My friend Anthony is stuck in a position in which the people he works for are complete jerks. His boss demands the impossible and has severe mood swings. He’s the low man on the totem poll and she gives all the other employees permission to give him remedial orders and have him run errands for all of them. He’s way too introverted, and won’t speak up for himself. What should he do?
--9 to 5

Dear 9 to 5
I have personal experience in this area. Sometimes actions speak louder than words—cliché I know, but keep reading. Here’s what he does…I like to call this the “Cockstir”. Tell him to come in early one morning, offer to purchase a round of breakfast beverages for the office (iced not hot). Once he gets the order, have him discreetly take them into the restroom with him. He opens up each beverage and stirs it using himself (hence the name: cock stir). Then, he politely gives the beverages to each despicable employee and sees the office in an entire new light knowing that now that pesky boss if his is enjoying all of him, sip by sip. While this may not change the attitude of the people he works with, at least he knows that after this, they’ll all feel where he’s coming from—wink, wink.