Dear Nocketback,
The reason I’m writing is twofold. Firstly, I’ve been thinking of living a more simple, spiritual lifestyle. You know, settle down a bit, stop drinking so frequently, maybe become active in my community church. Do you think this is a healthy lifestyle change or am I fooling myself? Secondly, I’ve lost someone very close to me recently and feel that by going out with someone again so early would be a bit unsavory and immoral; I do like him, though; what do I do?

Mulling Over in Merced

Dear MOiM,
These sound like two completely separate problems and I get paid only one sum for each entry; however, I’m in a generous mood today and am willing to overlook the monitorial shortcomings. Okay, so you’ve reached the point in your life I like to call “Fourth Down and fifteen yards to go.” The problem is, you sound as if you’re gonna kick. Listen, chances are like business cards, oftentimes, you shouldn’t take one. Keep things as they are. The only thing sobriety ever offered anyone was a one way ticket to a longer life. As we all know the Earth is getting sick of us and will soon retaliate. Throw caution to the wind and purchase a beer bong and dinner for two at Palomino’s.

Dear Nocketback,
I work at an office and happen to know that my boss, who is married to my friend, is cheating on her. I’m unsure of how to approach this. I’m also hurting financially. I know I can probably get some money out of my boss if I tell him that I know, but I really think I should tell her. Please help!!!!!

Caught Up in Clovis

Dear CUiC,
This is a no-brainer. Okay, coming from someone who is likewise in a sad state of affairs monetarily, I know for certain you should grease your palms. Here’s what’ll happen if you tell your friend (I’ll write a dialogue so you can picture it). You: I know your husband’s cheating. Friend: Oh, yeah, you’re just jealous. You look at him with those hungry eyes and I’m frankly sick of it. I don’t want you as a friend and suggest you pack your shit and hit the road,________*enter expletive here. As you can see, this would end terribly. Get that money and save your friendship.
No thanks, necessary.