1. With great power comes great responsibility, but you needn’t worry, unless you consider working retail a form of power.
2. If you plan on shooting for the stars you’ll be sorely disappointed, but if you aim for the ground you’ll never miss.
3. Congratulations, come the 26th of this month you will have reached a new level of douchebaggery.
4. Procrastination is the new black. That makes you midnight.
5. At your current age you should really think about giving up your original dream and perhaps work with food prep.

Dear Nocketback,
As the summer is fastly approaching, I’m getting more and more nervous. You see, my friends and I go to the beach every year in July and since I can remember, I’ve been a bigger girl. However, for the last year I’ve worked really hard and dieted and now am feeling and looking a lot better. I’m actually excited to show off my new body at the beach, but there’s one catch. I’m a bit hairy. I shave my legs and that’ no problem but I won’t be able to wear something small and cute, like I’d planned. What should I do?
--Miss New Booty

Dear MFF,

Marathon Man
by Nicholas Nocketback

--Well, go on, then what happened?
--All right, so, as I’ve said, she was a real smoker, blazing, right? I guess you’d call her thick. Anyhow, her legs were as long as a Union Pacific railway car. I mean she was fit, probably one of those gym rats. So, she sits right in front of me on the metro. I’m sitting there, trying to read the business section of the paper…
--Wow, that must’ve been a pretty far-fetched cover.

The Gerrymander Bystander
an Anecdotal Study of Social Division in Our Town
by Nicholas Nocketback

I was enjoying the magical splendor that is public inebriation at a local haunt of mine the other night when I learned a very important lesson about this town and its denizens. With a single sentence, an otherwise stunning, albeit tipsy, young woman summed up what everyone here knows but normally never says: You live in Tower? We gotta go, nice meeting you.

Misfortune Cookies—March 2009
1. Not only will you lose your job this month but people think you’re a dick.
2. Your luck will change for the worse if you don’t begin pleasuring yourself more.
3. A new addition to your family awaits, that is, of course, if you choose to call her back.
4. Stop asking yourself What would Jesus do, and begin asking Why.
5. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips—in your case a whole zeitgeist.
6. Do not look to the government for stimulation, that can only come from you—or a deep Thai massage.

Check out my hot new single, "The Girlz Look So..."
Simply email me and I'll shoot it to you freee of charge before you can get it on iTunes
nocketback@fresnoundercurrent.net

Misforunte Cookies February 2009
1. You’ll find February hot and heavy in the lust department, but like its black history, it’ll end just as abruptly.
2. Don’t look now but your moon is in the ninth gate. Beware of busy crosswalks and black widows (spider and human).
3. Lady luck, that fickle whore, will blind you with false hope on the 28th. You’ll be tempted but by all means DON’T SCRATCH.
4. A family reunion will bring with it an unexpected surprise—yup, that was your cousin under the sleeping bag in 1998.

Dear Nocketback—February 2009
Dear Nocketback,
My friend, who’s in his mid 30’s, has not had sex in 10 years. He’s an ex partier and doesn’t drink anymore. His last girlfriend was much younger and he played up the party side in order to relate to her. Since then he’s lost his conversational skills with women. Seeing as he doesn’t drink or go to clubs, what can he do to attract a female? He’s a bit of a square peg.
--Sexless in the Central Valley

Dear SitCV,

The Wrestler
Darren Aronofsky
Fox Searchlight 2008

By Nicholas Nocketback

Rowdy Roddy Rourker

At its essence it is a far too painful film about fleeting beauty and celebrity, but on top of that, it’s a picture that fights Hollywood formula and offers viewers several chances to see Marisa Tomei strip down to a string-cheese thong. Although if you still have night-terrors about the beginning scene in Only The Devil Knows You’re Dead where Marisa gets pounded out by a zaftig Philip Seymour Hoffman, this does nothing to help.

"I wanted my guitar to sound thin, clean and clanky. Not chunky. distorted and mach. My philosophy at the time being that this puny sound was in the true nature of this instrument...the first truly modern instrument. The first scientific industrial instrument...clean, metalic, precise, yet funky and African...the first instrument to embody our young culture, not the modern culture of Europe with its international aesthetic, but "American" cool-African-futuristic-trash-aesthetic.